Hi Spinsome,
Ya know, that whole addictive/alcoholic personality thing was good for a while but in reality it discounts the fact that addiction/alcoholism is most likely genetic. We are not to blame for wanting to alter our mindset with substances because we true alcoholics are born with the defect. There appears to be a problem with our dopamine reward system that makes us seek other paths to get it working. This system is responsible for making us feel good. Page 65 of the book Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism by Ketcham and Asbury (2000) states, "The idea of a preexisting "alcoholic personality" has been debunked...the alcoholic personality is a consequence, not a cause, of alcoholism." This conclusion is based on actual studies conducted by legitimate researchers.
In laymen's terms, we have little or no cause to blame ourselves for our so-called character defects. I am sure you aren't a bad person. Quite the opposite in fact. I am sure you are a great person with a lot of really great attributes.
Based on what you have written about your drinking habits it would seem that you are either a problem drinker or an alcoholic or both. So.....consider that what you may have is a permanent neurological disease that was most likely given to you in a way that you had no control over, genetics.
I hope this helps you. Learning about it really helped me alot. By the way, another good book is Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham (1981). And finally, Alcoholics Anonymous, aka, the Big Book is a great source for people seeking recovery from alcohol abuse.
Peace be with you.