"i bet you could write a list of sayings, quotes and buzzwords, and check em off as he goes along. if he hits 10 of em, go treat yourself a trip to the spa or something. (ok kinda kidding there, that would be kind of sick/twisted game, but we could make up notepads and sell em in a new board game called QUACKERS!!!!). "
This is so true Anvil! I have actually sat before and listened to him and knew everything he was going to say -- so why do I believe it time and time again? Is it because it's so desperately what I want to hear? I don't have to worry about it at the moment because (big surprise) he hasn't shown tonight. I am not expecting him to and really really hope he doesn't. I am relieved actually -- cherishing being alone - empowered. So why doesn't that feeling last?
I feel ok today because it's not pay day -- when push comes to shove, I worry about the money most of all. If it was next Friday, I would be panicking (even though I have enough money set aside to take care of things without anything from him for at least two months).
I don't know how to break away -- how do you do it? How do you be alone? How do you get past feelings of being on your own, nobody to do the things you can't do (he can do everything from fix a car, to build the house we're in). Nobody to talk with, share things with -- how do you do that?