Rose, I read this yesterday and had to think about it for a while. My STBXAH was probably what a lot of people would say is high functioning- from the outside. He drank in secret but also had the ability to drink socially and not make an a** out of himself. For years I didn't know what was going on with him, though, because emotionally he was becoming more distant- for instance not sleeping with me so he could drink alone on the couch, where he would pass out 5 or so nights a week. I thought he was just a night owl and wanted to watch tv before coming to bed. I grew tired of sleeping alone and tried to talk to him about it, but it always turned into an argument. Why? because I was trying to separate him from his alcohol- but I didn't realize that at the time. Little by little this kind of interaction eroded our relationship.
Over time he lost 3 jobs but always blamed it on someone else and had a new job to move right into, so it didn't always appear to be as bad as I now realize it was. If I showed concern or fear, he always gave me krap about it, because with each job his income went down. I started to think the problem was just me- and I took on more work to help compensate for the lower income he was taking in.
I guess my point is we are all dealing with progression in some form or another- very slow and insidious progression. STBXAH wasn't falling down drunk, calling in sick or getting duis, but he was gradually losing touch with reality, blaming me, emotionally distant and getting worse, withdrawing from family activities and responsibilities- so I was picking up the ball in many of those areas- I was getting progressively worse. . . more frustrated, fearful, hyper responsible.
There were times when I *wished* he would get a dui so I could say- "See! it's really that bad!" Now I know better. It was bad- and still is. STBXAH is not someone I could live with. He lies. He hides his issues from everyone but me, he's not engaged in life as fully as I would have like him to be. Yet- he claimed he was. I needed much more than he was able to give me. So it comes down to what you want- what you need. It's valid and important. I kept feeling like I was settling or lowering my standards until one day I woke up and realized I was living a very narrow life. Now I live life for me.
Maybe I am misinterpreting, but if you are waiting for it to get *really* bad- like for him to get a dui or end up in jail- I say why accept that? If you feel badly- if your needs are not being met- if you feel the relationship isn't fulfilling- what can you do about it?