Reflections on my 100th Day Sober
Hi,
So today is Day 100 for me. I'm not even sure how I feel about it.
Part of me is very proud of myself, sure. But there's another part of me - a nagging, irritating part - that just won't shut up about the damn alcohol.
I do not yet have any sort of sense of peace. I do not yet have any sort of sense of progress or well-being. I am not yet 100% committed in my heart and mind to staying sober for the rest of my life. For now? For today? For the immediate future? Yes, I am committed to that. But I can't think one year, two years, five years, ten years down the road. And when I do, I inevitably think something like, "Surely when I'm FIFTY I'll be able to have a freaking glass of wine again!!"
*sigh*
Part of me keeps looking for an out. Part of me keeps trying to find a way for me to be able to drink again. Someday, some way. I'm not sure why.
I've thought about it logically and impartially (as impartially as possible). I've read and re-read my journal, reliving how I felt the last few times I drank. I've forced myself to remember exactly what I felt like - physically and emotionally - all those days that I woke up after swearing I wouldn't drink the night before and yet did anyway. I KNOW there are things that I never want to do or feel again, and I KNOW that all of those things were attributed to alcohol. But I can't let go of the hope that I'm really not "that bad" and that once I get enough time under my belt something will have magically changed and I will be "normal" again.
I do not feel mentally or emotionally well. I am SOBER but I am not RECOVERING. I don't think I like it.
But hey, today is Day 100 and that's got to mean SOMETHING, right? I mean, I HAVE made it 100 days.
Tonight is the big Florida/Oklahoma National Championship game. Saturday is the Titans playoff game. I won't be having any beer, or Jack & Diet,or Vodka & Diet, or anything else for either game and that's still a bit of a shocker to me. But hey, I can get coupons for free soft drinks at the Titans game if I go sign up as a designated driver so that's pretty cool.
I keep hearing people say that it gets better, it gets easier... I'm looking forward to when that happens.