I am feeling really bad about myself for opting out on this....
Well OK, it's OK to feel bad. But you don't have to let THAT feeling be the guiding feeling for your choices/behaviors. You feel bad because you're a human being!
I mean how much WORSE will you feel going against your own VERY SOUND judgement and making yourself miserable and putting your kids on a merry-go-round of dysfunction?
I think just like alcoholics get cravings and people further along in recovery try to reassure them that a craving WILL pass - this feeling you're having is a classic codie response - it takes a long time to not ask "How High?" when the alcoholic says "Jump!"
I mean, seriously when I look at all the crazy sh*t I did for my brothers, at how far I put myself "out," emotionally, financially, physically - and at how all I ever did by that was hurt myself - it was total insanity. Now I really recognize "sane & rational" and I keep my compass pointed in that direction!!!
I found that each time I said No to something I didn't want to do I got stronger. Yeah, sometimes I felt like doo doo for a day - a week- whatever- but then, always I felt stronger.
It's like a muscle you just haven't exercised it much and so its gonna hurt a bit.
Easy does it.
Peace-
B.