I want to first thank all of you for all your ES&L.
I'm such a mess. I want to not be alone so badly that I went against my own gut and met with him, talked LOOOOOONG into the night (3am), and ended up having him over. I'm sleep deprived and as confused as hell. He is clearly my drug of choice. And I got a fix. And I'm beginning to feel the after affects. And yet, I don't want to stop. I'm not ready to stop. I'm not ready for all the pain that is ahead of me. The unfamiliar, lurking pain that will take years to work through and process and heal before I can ever have the love of another. I want to stay broken a little while longer. If only to ease this new pain off a little while longer.
Being alone and separate from the people I've loved the longest and most in my life through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years was too much for me. And even though he did a lot more crazy-making over dinner last night, talked ridiculous, useless, quackquack, me me me quack me me quack... it didn't stop me from spending the night with him. I know that my actions were extremely self-serving, but this time I feel justified since his actions have been self-serving since the day we met. All the times he used, hurt, and abused me feeling justified all the while.
I'll be sorry for this later. But right now I'm slipping. And I'm shutting my eyes as tightly as I can to it because I'm too tired to deal with another day alone, with no arms around me, no one to kiss me, to hold me, to say they love me... we both want it. He wants to feel in control again, and I want to feel "loved" again.
