Is there a clear, healthy way to share the abuse concept with someone who is so clearly a verbal abuser (via guilt/ manipulation/ coersion/ etc) so they understand what they are really doing and how very wrong it is?
I doubt it.
I would stay away from this type of person.
My recovery is strong but I also actively avoid toxic people and toxic situations.
There are so many decent people out in the world who are not this way. Like YOU! Hang out with those people!
Also sometimes just changing the date of something helps take the anxiety out of it-- like why should you do something you feel pressured to do that is not, actually, imperative? It's not a pap smear or a dental cleaning for heaven's sakes - it can wait until you feel strong enough to handle it or strong enough to say "No thanks." I find that just by holding my cards a little close to my chest I feel better.
When I first was breaking the chains of codependence I was propelled forward in my recovery every time I said "No" to something I didn't want to do. Just "No." If I felt uncomfortable or especially if my feeling of "obligation" had been triggered that was my new clue to say "No" or "Not right now. I need some time to sit with it."
Good luck WI--
peace-
B.