ToughChoices

His controlling measures and his "owning" behaviors constitute emotional abuse to you. That means they are abuse. If you feel abused, your feelings are valid. You have every right to protect yourself. You have every right to resolutely refuse to tolerate behaviors that are harmful to you.

But everyone is different.
Repeat that.

His standards and opinions are different than your own.
And the word "abuse" is LOADED with emotion.

There are some behaviors that MOST people agree are abusive (punching, kicking, scratching, etc....) and there are many gray areas - situations that I may find intolerable might not faze you one bit, and vice versa.

You've tried to explain your feelings in a million different ways, and he just doesn't get it. He can't see from your perspective. It's not "abuse" to him - (and the very mention of that word probably gets his ire up) so he tries to convince you that you are wrong to feel the way that you do. He must defend himself - in his mind, he IS NOT abusive. He quit drinking. He loves you. He wants this to work. So you must be crazy.

(Personally, I find it abusive when someone tells me that I have mental problems because I disagree with them.)

I don't think there is any clear way to explain your point of view and have him "see the light."
You've been trying to explain. It hasn't worked so far.
You can try again, if you'd like.
You could write a letter using lots of "I" statements and read it to him.

But I wouldn't expect any magical changes.

He's in recovery. He is who he is.
You're in recovery. You're discovering yourself everyday.

Maybe who he is and who you are just doesn't mesh well any longer.
I'm not sure there's any way to make someone understand that before they are ready.

I'm thinking of you today, JustMe.
Take care.
-TC