Explain to him?
I've come to understand/realize that the misery in my 2-year marriage was not because of his alcoholism (which he's been in recovery and not had a drink in over 5 months), but because of his abuse. He was never the type to scream or call me horrible names, nor to hit me. He was subtle, manipulative. My entire life has been run with guilt and manipulation. First by my mom, now by my stbXRAH.
I started to see something was seriously wrong back in November (about 3 months after he'd started AA). He was using everything and everyone in my life against me. I moved out, and about a week later I filed for divorce. Despite multiple times telling him that we both have issues we need to work through on our own before we could even consider reconsiling our marital issues, and telling him we need a break from each other (I've clearly said NO CONTACT until x date multiple times), he ALWAYS crosses that boundary. Always steps over the line.
He insists that we should not be getting a divorce. His excuse for crossing the line is he wants reasons, answers, goals. I've tried to explain, but everything falls out of my head when he and I talk (argue) - he's so good at making me crazy. I get off the phone feeling completely exhausted, confused, and most of the time don't remember what we even talked about. More than once he's told me I am chemically imbalanced and need mental help. But I know that's not true. My doctor sees me and knows I am not crazy.
However, I'm still in love with him. I still want him to want to change. He keeps saying, "I'm a changed man, but you haven't been around to see it" (accusing me that my moving out and filing is what's ruining our chance at a good marriage). He's always been all talk. I have no reason to start trusting his words now when his actions have never proven anything - with the exception that he stopped drinking.
He wants to meet with me tonight. He wants to talk. I'm scared because I don't know if I'll be able to hold my own. But I'm not sure I want to lose him. And I'm not sure I really want this divorce. Some days it seems so clear, then other days I just want to go home and believe it will all be ok.
I've tried to explain that his controlling measures and the way he acts like he "owns" me is abuse. And the way he talks to me is abuse. And he gets upset and says I'm crazy and that someone is filling my head full of ridiculous ideas. Is there a clear, healthy way to share the abuse concept with someone who is so clearly a verbal abuser (via guilt/ manipulation/ coersion/ etc) so they understand what they are really doing and how very wrong it is? Is there any hope that he can see the light? How can I explain this to him???
I feel like if I just divorce him to get away, it wouldn't be "fair" because I was not clear enough with how he is abusive, since that would be my reason for divorce (and these feelings may be more imposed upon me by him and by my parents than myself, but I still feel them). He says he wants marriage counseling. He says he wants to know why I filed for divorce. And why I want time apart. And how it's supposed to help. But deep down I feel like he's just asking those questions so he can build up excuses to undermine those things and break me down further and make me come back without him really changing anything.