Thanks all, the phone did ring, as I knew it would last night, at 2 a.m.......
He called about 6x's probably to see if he could 'just come home'- like I perhaps fell earlier and bumped my head.
Who knows what he wanted, but as hard as it was I did not answer. I finally hit alarm only (cause I use my cell for my alarm clock)- I never even realized that option was available.
I turned back over, cried and went to bed.
You know, it was the first night in a while, that I had good sleep. I wasn't up wondering when he was going to come home, or what I would say when he arrived. I wasn't feeling hurt, laying next to him awake, listening to him breathe funny, because he used pills and drank all night.....
I just slept like a baby.
This a.m.,, I'm not going to lie. I woke up in that empty bed, and the emotions came flooding in. I know he has to come get his stuff, and I don't want to go home tonight and 'see' it gone.
I don't want to continue imagening him getting his own apartment, and furnishing it, and being 'happy' without me.
Him getting his own place hurts the most. It seems so final. In my brain somewhere, I just wish by me telling him to leave, that some ephiany would occur. I know it won't and that is hurting me deep inside.
I'm trying to be very honest here with my feelings, so as to sort them out properly and attempt to heal, so that I don't make the same mistakes and 'take him back' AGAIN.
On other 'trys' asking him to leave, I know my motive, was to 'hear' him come crawling back telling me he loves me- bla bla bla.
I finally don't want that, because I know now - that on some level, he did mean it, but he loves his drugs and himself more.
I know now what I want is peaceful, kind, selfless love in my life, and he will not be able to provide this to me. So I need to let him go.
It hurts. I feel that little girl in my soul, kicking and screaming at me.... telling me, to just let him come back- ----- the smart, rational adult in me is reaaaaalllly trying hard not to let that part of me win - again.
I'm telling myself, nothing has changed all this time. Nothing will change, he had plenty of opportunites to make it right. I know it hurts to loose someone you love, but it hurts MORE to stay with someone you don't really have anyway.
Anymore words of wisdom for the upcomming struggle?????
THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Cessy