I read this today and it got me thinking about failing...
''What do you believe about failure?
The ego wounded part of ourselves, the left-brain part of ourselves that has been programmed with many false beliefs, often believes that:
"If I fall, I am a failure."
"If I fail, I am stupid."
"If I fail, no one will like me or value me."
"If I fail, then there is no point in ever trying again."
"If I fail, it brands me for life as incompetent."
"If I fail, then everyone who thought I was smart will now think I am stupid."
"If I fail, I will have made a fool of myself."
On the other hand, the loving adult part of us - our right brain, open, creative and learning part of us - generally believes that:
"If I fail, then I just need to work harder, to put in more effort."
"If I fail, I will have learned valuable lessons that will eventually lead to success."
"Failure is a part of life. No one succeeds without some failure."
"Failure does not at all reflect on my worth as a person. I am intrinsically worthy, regardless of success or failure."
"Failure offers me incredible opportunities to think outside the box, to think creatively. Let's get to work!"
"I love learning and I love challenges. What I do is not about success or failure - it is about the joy of creativity, learning and expressing who I am."
Which way of thinking prevails within you? What are the consequences to you of allowing yourself to think from your wounded self instead of from your Loving adult?'' - Inner bonding, Dr Margaret Paul.
I always strived to succeed at everything. From a very young age, I intrinsically knew that to be worthy of notice, respect and to avoid criticism I had to succeed, and be perfect.
I always studied and studied hard, I aced all my exams at school and was even awarded a prize for the best results in my year. I carried this on into my further study too. I should've been happy, took pride in my accomplishments. But I never. I was miserable, I felt alone, isolated and depressed. Even that feeling was indictive of my failure to enjoy life, be a happy child and give the impression of a perfect family to others, and so I chastised myself for that too.
I told myself my feelings were dismissable.
I remember the first time I failed at something. An English literature exam, when I got the result, I thought it was an error, how could I have been graded so low?! It wasn't my result. I went home and to bed and cried for hours, I felt so low and dirty. I wanted to quit everything.
I did, I stopped all the courses I was studying and started new ones, and I made sure I passed those.
It was in other areas of my life though too, like my relationships. In all my time, I never ended a relationship. I would hang on to it despite the abuse, lack of love, constant fighting etc. If I just changed myself or stopped acting in such a way, if I stopped talking about certain things and become more like him, he would love me and we would stay together.
They always finished with me. Even my mum and sister have never ended a relationship. My mum and dad have been together since they were 17, my sister and BIL since age 15. I felt if my relationships ended, I had failed. Each time that eventually happened, I told myself such and made better efforts next time.
I finally broke the chain and ended it with my exabf almost a year ago, I finally said enough before they did. It was empowering!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
