Rose,
I hear my story in yours. Living with my stbxAH was like living with 2 men. One (the one that everyone else sees) is wonderful. The other is at best, absent - at worse, mean. My needs and household needs had to be on-hold until Good Husband came back. Too bad for me if something came up when Drunk Husband was home.
There was just not room enough in a marriage for me, him and the Alcohol.
Slowly finding my own healthy path has been hard and sad sometimes. And it's the most liberating journey I've ever been on.
Take care,
TH