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Yesterday marked my 3 month anniversary since my decision to quit drinking as the initial step on my road to recovery. When I came here 3 months ago, my stated goals were to stop drinking, break the nicotine addiction, and to discontinue the use of pain pills unless I was in pain. As it stands today I have quit drinking, I have broken the nicotine addiction, although I have dabbled with a few Tylenol w/ Codeine pills from time to time. Two here, two there, nothing too excessive but something that is on my radar to finally stop doing. Also, I have continued the occasional recreational use of marijuana but my initial goals never included stopping that because I didn't want to but I think this feeling is changing. This is a work in progress for me and I am very proud of how far I have come and I acknowledge I still have much more work to do to achieve my ultimate goal of total sobriety, complete freedom from any drugs, addictive or mind altering substances.

There have been many FIRSTS since I quit drinking, situations where normally I would have been drinking. In the beginning, it was as simple as getting though my first weekend. Or my first week, or first month. Other firsts include: being in a bar without drinking, going to a concert without drinking, eating out without drinking, flying on a plane without drinking, New Years Eve, the Holidays, going to a professional sporting event, and quite a few other firsts I'm sure I can't think of right now.

I have faced temptation to be sure, but I have stayed strong. I have felt the feelings, had some good ones and some bad ones but I have done it without alcohol. I have come to the conclusion that I was addicted to escape and in some ways continue to be. Every drug I ever did, every drink I ever took, every addiction I ever had was a byproduct of being addicted to escape from reality. Collectively, that is what all the stuff I ever did provided me: escape. Escape from reality. Escape from fear. Next is to really figure out what else specifically I was looking to escape from. Some of it I know, some of it I am not too sure about. But I am now facing my current reality and even my past much more head on, and dealing with life like never before. I have read the Big Book cover to cover and gone to an AA meeting. I even got a two month chip. My best friend who is also an alcoholic has joined me on this road and now has two months under his belt. I feel I have grown so much since I started on this road and that I am a better person who is only getting better. Not all that long ago, THIS seemed impossible. Life seemed bleak, hopeless, like I was stuck in a rut. Now there is hope, things which seemed impossible in the past seem possible now as I focus on my emotional development which was stunted by years of chemical escapism.

Two nights ago I had a terrible dream. In the dream, I was smoking cocaine in and behind a shed at the house I grew up in and I could actually feel the high from a drug I have not done since 1992. In my dream, it was so real I could actually smell the cocaine smoke and I could feel that high. I don't know what that dream means or why I had it but there it was. In some way, I feel this dream was a part of my recovery or a byproduct of it but I'm not sure how or why.

The journey continues. I am grateful to those who have offered help and I could not have done it by myself. I make time every day to focus on my recovery whether that means reading from the Big Book, reading or posting here, watching Intervention or other recovery programming, or just talking about it with people in my life whom I can confide in.

I don't know what the future holds and sometimes I'm scared I'll forget why I made this decision in the first place. I'm afraid that someday I might think it's OK to have a drink. The only way I can deal with this is to deal with this one day at a time and to stay focused daily on it.

That's where I am right now.