Life with my AH..........
I would like to share how it is in my relationship with my ah. He is loving, and funny, and he buys all the groceries, cooks all the dinners, walks the dog, takes out the trash, you get the picture. He looks at me, tells me I am beautiful, and makes me feel safe.
He also drinks beer every night, gets irritable and angry sometimes, has trouble keeping a job for more than a year or so, feels disappointed in himself and the world. He vents his anger and frustration at me, some nights worse than others. He makes me cry sometimes.
It is hard for me to be around him sometimes because he makes me feel discouraged and without hope. You see, I need hope in my life, need to believe in goodness and blessings.
I just wanted you all to know, that sometimes living with an alcoholic is painful, but not impossible. Who knows if he will get better or worse. But I have learned the importance of living in my own recovery program.
Over the past two years, he was working and things were really going well in my work, so I was distracted from my recovery. I stopped posting here and going to my meetings. But things shift, and my work calmed down, and he lost his job and I started feeling really crazy again. So I finally came to my senses, came back to recovery, and presto, I feel better. Maybe not wonderful, but better.
I mostly have given up on my black and white thinking. The world is indeed a dangerous place, filled with pain, and evil, and trouble. But it is also a place of beauty and the most unbelievable kindnesses.
Story of kindness: My sister from NJ listened to me when I said that I loved an afghan that was being sold in my church bazaar. I didn't buy the afghan because I was trying to be financially responsible. But I felt the loss, because the afghan reminded me of my grandmother, she made beautiful afghans. So she called my church, found out who had made the afghan (after many calls) and called the woman and asked her to make another afghan for me, which she agreed to do. She gave it to me this morning. I was so surprised I was speechless. Incredible kindness and love.
Sometimes I wonder, should I stay or should I go (who am I kidding, I wonder this all the time) but I wanted to acknowledge that life is OK, even while living with an active AH.
thanks