Originally Posted by
PCat 
My gut and parenting instincts tell me it's better to be honest with my children. I worry that no matter how I explain it, I'll damage them forever. If you are willing to share any examples of what you've said to your children or what you would have liked to have been told when you were a child, I would appreciate it.
My first thought is that you really don't need to "tell" them anything. They already know. What you maybe need to do is empathize with their hurt and help them understand it.
My second thought is that you are most likely doing this already. It sounds to me like you have good parenting skills.
Next, I think it's important to note that (contrary to your worry above) YOU are not damaging them forever. Their dad is.
I have 4 boys. Ages 16, 11, almost 8, and 4. I am alcoholic (recovering - 11 months) and bipolar. My bipolar was very severe. My acoholism was blantently obvious but not quite as severe, I don't think. But when I finally got diagnosised with bipolar and went on Lithium (2 years ago) the changes in me had to be spoken about. It was just such a huge thing.
I did bring my 2 oldest kids to my therapist so we could talk one time. But they didn't like that very much. Essentially, I've been as matter-of-fact as I possibly can be. And as honest. Without bringing it up all the time so that they feel bombarded by it.
Like one time, one of their friends was over and I was manic. We actually laugh about it now because they understand why I was acting so strange and their friend is afraid to ever come over to our house again.
I think it's important to be honest with them for so many reasons. Not the least of which is that they have a heriditary predispossion to both bipolar and alcoholism. I want to set the best example possible of how to handle both. I want to act as much as I can how I would want them to handle things if they get either.
I don't go into any detail with my younger kids other than to just make it a point NOT TO HIDE. For instance, my sponsor called and they said who was that? I said, "My sponsor and friend, Candie." My 7 year old said what's a sponsor and I explained it was a friend that helps me stay sober. He knows what the word sober means because I've explained that I have a disease which makes it so I shouldn't drink alcohol ever. Because once I start, I can't stop. And that's really bad for me and also dangerous.
My younger kids seem to accept that explanation completely. They don't seem to want any more information. I think that's important too - to know when to STOP talking about it. And I've said at least 2 times to each kid that if they ever want to talk about it or ask me any questions, they can.
Anyway, that's my experience. I think that you are probably already doing a very good job.
Don't make yourself the bad guy. And, by the way, you don't have to make your AH the bad guy either. Everyone, including you and the kids, have a right to be very disappointed and sad. (And you obviously have an array of complex feelings.) But I think it's really important that the kids disapppointment and anger and sadness be allowed to be directed at their dad without demonizing him. He's an alcoholic. Not a evil super villian. He does things that suck and that make it seem as if he doesn't care. But the truth is, he does care just as deeply as any other parent. But he is locked in his disease. I think it's hard to teach compassion. But this is a really good example of a situation in their lives where their anger and sadness might
occassionally and gently be channeled toward compassion.
Good luck. Intentional parenting is very hard, I think. But obviously so well worth it!