I am hurting.
I'm trying to just sit with it. Not freak out. Not be rash.
But, damn.
Sometimes it feels SO clear - the man cannot give me what I want.
He told me tonight that I hadn't made any progress on "this issue" (meaning his alcoholism), that I was still right where I started. I still wanted to control him. I still wanted him to be someone else.
This is a really painful comment to me. I'm working really hard.
He sees my refusal to be around him while he drinks socially as an attempt at control.
I see it as a boundary to protect myself from pain, to keep myself from turning into the angry, judgmental ball of self-righteous fury that I tend to become when alcohol and Peter meet.
I don't want to be that person, and I'm not far enough along in my recovery to put the "her" away permanently. Right now I just have to recognize my trigger situations and avoid them like the plague.
Of course he doesn't understand the nuances of this. Why would he?
Let this serve as a reminder to me NOT to talk about alcoholism with an active alcoholic. This conversation kind of sneaked up on me, and it was none too pleasant.
I'm trying. I'm listening and being open and not passing judgment and giving space and respecting feelings and staying true to my boundaries. But I really need a hug. I wanted so badly for him to give it to me, and he wouldn't.
Ugh.
It's like trying to squeeze empathy from a plastic garden gnome.
Thanks for listening.