I do want to break the cycle. I remember growing up and seeing my parents drunk. It's no fun. And I certainly don't want her to think it's ok for a man to treat anyone the way he sometimes does. I also think the craziness effects my abily to be the best and most level headed parent I can be.
What do I want? I've had to think about this to really figure it out. It's not really a case of I want to stay or I want out.. I just really want a FAMILY. One that does things together, one that goes places. I want a relationship with some compassion.. so what if I can be overly emotional sometimes. He should just be there for me in those times. I want a dad that is invoved with his kids.. doesn't just like the status of being a dad and buys his way through the rest of it.
As I'm typing this I can see that a lot of what he accuses me of are really his problems. He gets mad if I show to many people pictures.. says I just had kids to show them off. No, that's actually him. I can pretty much count on one hand the times he's held his newborn son.. and it's only been when other people where there to see it.
Plus I have to admit I don't see much point in staying in this relationship if after 5 years I can't say I would marry him. Now I'm not in a rush to get married by any means but i would think after 5 years and two kids if it were going to work we would have made that commitment. To me, not wanting to have that seems like we are just going nowhere.. we are glorified roomates and that's not what I want out of a relationship. Quite frankly I don't think I want any relationship right now except with my kids and the people who truely cherish my friendship.