I finally read Beattie's "Co-Dependent No More." It delineated what it is to be codependent and I see how I am so much that, and how my own thinking has led me to the entrapment I've found myself in my whole life. All my life I've sought to simply be accepted, for it to be OK to be myself. It's never seemed that way, so I sought to be the person others wanted me to be, so to be OK in their eyes. It seemed a tolerable compromise. But living that way for 40 years I can see how it is NOT! Sacrificing yourself for the wants and expectations of others may fool them for awhile, but you can't live that way for a lifetime. Eventually it catches up with you.
I'm still struggling with making my life my own. I still allow the expecations and wants of others to control me. As of now, I'm just holding my breath, waiting for the next couple weeks to pass. Because then everything changes. I'll be living alone. My home will be my own. I have vowed to myself to finally take charge of my own life, live for myself and not for others. It's sad to be still waiting after all this time, but I'm trying to be "nice" about the way I go about moving forward. I just hope to not be taken advantage of in the meantime. I'm here asking for a place to write about what's ongoing, perhaps to find encouragement. Maybe just to write.