LostWife

Hi everyone. I am in need of help and don't know where to turn. I am the wife of an addict who has been in recovery for a year now (but was an addict for 6+ years). His recovery has been shaky and there have been relapses on a number of fronts (lying, money, taking pills, etc). He goes to meetings, has a sponsor, sees a psychiatrist but none seem to help - my guess is he really isn't trying. But, that aside, I am still willing to stick it out with him and support him as much as I can. He is upset because when he first got out of rehab, things were good. I guess you could say we were in that "honeymoon" period. 4 months later I fell into a deep depression but did not even realize it. It took another 7 months for me to see a doctor and get on antidepressant and antianxiety meds. I have been on them for 5 months now and emotionally I am more stable. I have not gone to a new counselor (we were seeing one together but stopped for a few reasons) due to financial reasons and I am hesitant to go to a live meeting for fear of feeling awkward. I have withdrawn from him emotionally and physically as the trust in our relationship is almost non-existent at this point. How do you get to the point that you can move forward and put the past behind you? I know my withdrawing from him is a trigger for his using but I am having a hard time getting past the hurt and anger which in turn causes him to do something stupid and start the cycle all over.

Any advice you can offer is appreciated. I am so lost and not sure where to turn anymore. All I want is my marriage, my husband and my life back.