Backstory: my ex-h and I were high school sweethearts. We got married right after college and I had our daughter once we'd been married for 5 years. From the outside, we looked like a perfect couple, but...
I started drinking at age 19. Within 6 months, he cheated on me. Which I coped with that by drinking. Lather, rinse, and repeat. I know I was using alcohol inappropriately even back then but I certainly wasn't alone. It was college, after all. I really don't think it was just the alcohol that led him to cheat... but the same semester that I started drinking, my life also got very stressful. Coincidence? Probably not. I only realized how closely correlated the beginning of my drinking matched up to the beginning of his cheating within the past month or so, too.
Anyway, on January 5th of this year, I found out he was cheating again -- it was the fourth time. Things had gotten worse and worse between us and I was drinking a lot, he was completely detached, etc. As soon as I found out, I told him it was over and I was moved out within a month.
Everyone commented on how strong I was. I found a place to live, took care of my daughter, and held down my job. No one realized that the 2 or 3 nights each week when my daughter was with her dad, I was drinking alone and getting wasted. I looked like the one who was wronged because HE was the one who cheated.
Well, the ex and I had to redefine our relationship this year as co-parents. We get along surprisingly well and as the resentment has melted away, I've started to re-examine my role in the disintegration of the marriage. Now that I have a little sobriety under my belt, I realize what a toll my drinking must have taken on him. I'm beating myself up with guilt because he was my best friend and I can see now that I was awful to him -- a lot. He was the only person who knew how bad I was firsthand. I wish I could go back in time but obviously, that ain't happenin'. But now I find myself with emotions that are almost as fresh as when it first happened. I'm sure part of it is the time of year but part of it is that I simply cannot drown my emotions in alcohol now. And part of it is because I realize he wasn't completely wrong -- it was my fault too. I've even been dreaming that we got back together recently. It's just so sad.
I don't really know what to do. I am just having a tough time with all these new (old) emotions now that I'm not drinking.