204 Days...nearly!
In 33 minutes I will be 204 days sober. That is the longest I have ever been sober in 10 years. I am on the 12th step. I am 27. That is a lot of numbers and I have a lot more in my head. The only number that keeps haunting me though at times in the number 1. It's such a lonely number. It's there...by itself. I used to be a 2 you know...well until 1 week ago when my girlfriend told me she had cheated on me and I become a 1 again while she just went from being a 2 with me to being a 2 with someone else.
Sorry if this is just complete rubbish but my head is just all over the place at the moment. Numbers going round in my head, a sick feeling in my stomach and the hope that I had inside me seems to have disappeared for a while. To make myself feel better I have still been emailing my ex. We are trying to still be friends...I am trying not to get angry. I have to stop mailing her though as I need to start getting over her. So guys...I will be messaging on here as much as I can. Decided that I need to turn things around and help other people if I can. It's only through taking the focus off myself I will be able to help other people. I am leaning on my higher power so much and I am so grateful for the support network I now have.
I have realised that the only time that I ever feel whole is when I am in meetings or when I am with my sponsor or AA people. When I am with friends sometimes I feel so apart from things. I sit there and I get the familiar feeling of being on the outside looking in. I feel like all my mates have all the answers and I have all the questions but noone is telling me anything. It's not their fault - they really are the most understanding bunch of friends I could ever hope for. They just don't seem to get me - or to reach me like other alcoholics can.
I know that I replaced that feeling that AA people gave me when I got into a relationship a few weeks ago. I got back with an ex and now she is my double ex I suppose! For the sake of making amends I got it out of the way pretty quickly. I am still angry though and that is something that I am working on everyday. Maybe I just wasn't ready and that's why the powers that be...or the power that be's as in my higher power...decided that it just couldn't work. Maybe the cheating on me was a test of my sobriety...maybe I just should stop thinking about it lol.
I guess from now on I just have to move forward. My plan is...90 days 90 meetings....make amends....move on...move upwards....keep leaning on my higher power and keep looking for people to help.
Prayers for strength for me will be appreciated. At my sisters for christmas and going home on Saturday. I just need to get through less than 48 hours before I can be in my own home again. I pray that a day at a time I will get there and I will feel peace once more. Instead of the empty scooped out feeling that I have right now.
I wish everyone a Happy New Year when it comes. If anyone needs me just PM me. It will help me so much if I can help someone else.
God Bless and love to you all. May angels of peace be with you.
Regards
Kirstie xxx