Thanks for the warm welcome back. I really appreciate it, this circle of friends that know what it's like.
Lots of food for thought. Yes, I am back in Alanon all the way, attending face to face meetings as well as coming here and reading. Today I feel more hopeful, Less focused on MAKING A DECISION. This is something I obsess about when I am feeling afraid and need to deflect the emotion. Today I know I need to start back at the beginning, start working on myself again, focusing on what I want to create in my life, and the decision will come when it is time.
Denny, I want to believe I am right where I am supposed to be, but I have trouble sustaining that attitude. I will keep trying not to beat up on myself for being where I am.
Prodigal, my biggest secret fear is that I will find out that the problem is me. That my situation is not that bad, and that I will be no happier or satisfied with my life separated from my AH that with him. And in a way, this is true, for I am certainly codependent. I was looking for this relationship or one like it all my life. So the truth is that I have not yet learned to be "un-codependent". This is what I need to do. And I have made some progress in this direction, but not there yet.
In my meeting on Thursday, someone said that their relationship with the alcoholic was like a slot machine, that it paid off just enough to keep him coming back. And this is true for me.
My AH is fairly functional, although he has trouble keeping a job. He has a measured amount of beer that he drinks each day (quite a lot) but he rarely passes out or gets visibly drunk. He goes to bars three times a week, and paces himself so that he is not driving home drunk. Sometimes he sleeps in the van for a couple of hours before coming home. So you see it is bad but not horrible. He believes that I don't respect him, and I have given him cause to believe this over the years (26 years). Sometimes I wonder if too much water has gone under this bridge, too many things have been done and said to ever rebuild a solid relationship.
But here I go again focusing on him and the relationship. Back to me.
Thanks for being here for me, thanks for sharing, thanks for listening.