HI Rose, nice to meet you. I went thru similar episodes..for years. I probably repeated this cycle 5 times in 28 years..each time, I thought, we are good now but as my children grew and left home, the episodes got worse. My lonliness and the sick feeling in my stomach got almost unbearable. I cryed my self to sleep alot, mad at myself for letting time pass me by while he was down stairs passed out on the couch. The feeling you are having is the worst! Please, keep coming back here and I'm sure your HP will somehow help you decide what you really want and what to do. I'm almost 8 months into living in my own place and it has been an emotional train wreck but everyday it gets better and I stop questioning my decision to leave. Hugs to you and prayers.