Tarheel

frand,

I grew up with my Mom, so a great deal of my relationship with my AD was on the phone. It was a revelation to me when, at 19, my therapist said, "You know...you don't have to stay in awful conversations with your Dad if you don't want to. And I strongly suggest that you don't." Wow...who knew???

So...we created a phone strategy. It was pretty simple. (hard, but simple) I would always answer the phone if I was able to. If the conversation felt good to me, I'd stick with it and enjoy it. If it started down a path that didn't feel good to me, I said, "When you say things like "x", it feels bad to me. I will be happy to stay on the phone if you are willing to talk about something else (or not use those words, or change the subject-or whatever fits for you)." I would then give him a chance to switch gears. If he didn't, I would repeat above and add "....otherwise I will choose to hang up." If he still didn't change course, I would repeat everything once more. (always very calmly, matter-of-factly) If no change, then I would say "I love you very much. I am hanging up now." And then hang up - immediately.

The key thing is state your limit calmly and then follow through. Every time. Keep your distance from the (inevitable) bait.

Initially this was met with fury - screaming, obscenities, attacks - nasty and hateful. There were times I would hang up and cry and cry because I had no idea when I would speak to him again. Sometimes it was months. However, I was drawing a boundary that he eventually learned not to cross. It took time, but it changed our relationship. Most importantly, it changed me. I realized I could choose "where to put myself."

My therapist and I worked hard on this one. It was in some significant ways life-saving for me and I triuly believe it helped get my relationship with my Dad to a place of mutual respect. Years later we were able to reconcile some things. I am so grateful for that.

As I said, it was so hard to do- especially at first. But it was an investment in myself that was well worth it in the end.

Take good care...
TH