Ive no advice to give you just wanted to let you know that Ive been where you are and I came out the other side, I havent done it for over a year, cant say I havent thought about but Ive managed not to give in.
A lot of people dont understand why anyone would do what we do and all I say to those people is I hope you never do.
My thoughts are with you and I hope you find relief. x