I feel ALOT better today. I actually turned up the radio in my van and was bee boppin in the van!!!
I went yesterday and bought Co-dependent No More and a few other books. I have been reading and really allowing this to all sink in. I have dropped the idea that I am still dealing with the same person I fell in love with and seeing him for what he really is. I have gone back and thought about the ways he manipulated me and how I felt. Sure enough alot of my feelings were guilt and feeling sorry for him so much so that I thought I had made a mistake.
I have even been telling myself to get out of my head and get back into the world around me. Its so relieving to give the old noggin a rest. Thinking that much really hurts. I have stopped trying to anyalize everything.
I was able to spot his manipulation right away today and that made me feel good. Really their behavior is so predictable when you know what to look for. I sensed it right away because I was out of my head and in the moment and could see it for what it was.
Proud of myself for that. Thank you so much kitty. I actually wrote down the part where you said for today I will not let him come home. I put it on a post it note. That keeps me in the moment.
I just feel good. For the first time since this all started I feel very good. I am not concerned about what he is or isnt doing. I am concerned NOW with protecting myself and my kids. It hurts to much to fall into his trap of feeling guilty or sorry for him. So now I can truly say I am thinking more of my needs and my self vs him and what his needs are.
So thank you all. I really have learned alot and feel so much better about my situation....