Dixied,
Your feelings are hurt and that is very understandable.
My exah and I have a child together.
Some of the things I have done to protect myself and our son from the fallout of my exah's addiction may have been seen as 'cold', 'uncaring' and 'selfish' to others. Fortunately, I maintained a very good relationship with my exah's family and they understood why I did what I did...but some of his friends did not. Some people knew what I had been thru but they still felt it necessary to judge my actions and decisions. Some people said I didn't do enough to protect myself and our son...some said I did too much... Some of the criticism was expected from certain people and some of it knocked me off my feet and hurt very deeply.
You don't know the whole story about what happened between your son and his soon to be ex wife. You know your son's side of things but that is only half the story. You had your reasons for turning down her offer to allow you to do supervised visits and that might have seemed cold and uncaring to her but you have your reasons that she couldn't possibly understand.
Addiction hurts everyone...
It can pit people who love the addict against each other even though each person is dealing with addiction the best way they know how.
Maybe this seems like too much to ask but maybe you could focus on being grateful that your grandchild's mom takes her responsibility to protect her child seriously...Maybe she takes it too far in your opinion but at least you know that she will protect your grandchild no matter what...perhaps this can give you a sense of understanding and peace.
I'm sorry you're hurting...
Hugs...