I always pay careful attention to what I'm craving, even if it's something I know isn't real.
Inside all of us is a compass pointing to what we need. You want the "fantasy him," the face he put on when he wasn't sober, the guy you thought he was: demonstrative, affectionate, attuned to your needs, etc. That's the kind of person you obviously want & need in your life as a romantic partner. It's a beautiful thing to have, and there's nothing unreasonable about ANYONE wanting that.
But that's not the kind of person he is, in reality.
So -- are the fantasies going to be good enough for you, for the next few decades of your life?
Take care of your needs, jerseygirl. No one else is going to. Making the hard decisions now is about a thousand times easier than making them a couple of years from now.
Hugs and strength to you