I don't think I've hit what I believe is rock bottom, but my body and my mind has been telling me in the nicest possible way that I need to stop.
For one year I've been having heart palpitations and this past Saturday, for the first time ever, I very likely had a panic attack (or maybe there really is something wrong with my heart).
Over time, my emotional/mental state has been slowly eroding.
I am falling apart, albeit slowly. It can only get worse from here if I cannot find a way to stay stopped. For about 20 seconds on Saturday, I thought I was going to pass out (I was a little light headed/dizzy) and die. I was lucky that during Saturday afternoon I had decided NOT to drink. I was sober when this hit me out of the blue--I was completely calm at the time and feeling okay physically. I don't even want to think how whatever happened might have been affected if I had been under the influence. I had quit again two nights before this happened and have remained sober since.
I'm learning that what I'm going through will not improve if I don't change. It can only get worse from here, and my life is already too crappy for me to handle. It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to get help along the way. We are social beings, and it makes sense to reach out at times when we need it.