((((Maggie)))) I'm so sorry for your loss. It hasn't been very long, so I know the grief is still so raw. Be as gentle to yourself as possible.
I understand your questions. I lost my beautiful 20 year old daughter to tainted drugs. I asked myself often if I could have, should have done something different. The wonderful people here and in my Naranon group have hlped me to understand that I did the best I could and the disease of addiction was just more powerful than all the love I could give her.
I found those "firsts" were so difficult - first Christmas, first birthdays and other holidays after her death were days to just get beyond. Grief is a journey each person must walk through in her own way. I listened to my heart and my soul and tried to give myself as much quiet and serenity as possible. It's been a little over two years now, and I can tell you the pain dulls and it does get easier. I can think of memories of my daughter and smile. I still miss her and I will love her always, but I am now able to be grateful for the short time I had with her.
Tonight there were candlelighting ceremonies across the world to remember our children who have died. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that for a 24 hour period around the world, candles were lit and prayers were said for your Jason and all of our lost children. Sending mom to mom hugs and rpayers for you and your loved ones.