Winnie, I was thinking about this again when I got up this morning, and wanted to share a few more things with you about my own experiences as the mother of an addict.
You say that he is still a child and that kids of his age do need their mom.
I want to give you my perspective on that.
Yes, technically he is a minor, and yes, he is far from mature.
My oldest AD was 8 when I first got clean/sober, and there was a lot of damage to her from my addictions, as well as her stepfather's, who I left after I got out of rehab.
I had to learn how to be a parent in recovery. It was a constant struggle. At 13 she had behaviors that were so out of control, including rage issues, that I put her in a treatment facility for adolescents that dealt with a variety of issues (she was not using any substances yet). I participated in all the family sessions because I realized it was NOT just her, it was a family problem.
We continued family counseling at home. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. I am human, and I make mistakes every day. Hopefully I learn from them.
God how I tried with that girl. It just got worse and worse. At 15 she decided to steal the neighbor's truck in the middle of the night, a stick shift, which she had no idea how to drive, and ended up ditching it in the middle of the street a block from the police department because she couldn't figure out how to get it in reverse.
My neighbors refused to file charges, much to my chagrin. Back to treatment she went, but insurance refused to pay for more than 10 days, so I got a 15 year old back who was 100 times as angry as before she went in.
Mind you, I was attending college 30 miles away, 4 days a week. Everything was crumbling around me. I managed to finish up that semester, and gave up on college, took a job washing dishes to be back in town so I could 'monitor' her closer, and I worked that job for 3 long miserable years.
I did it all, the treatment, individual counseling, family counseling, parenting classes, and she was absolutely 100% hell bent on self-destruction.
Shortly before she turned 17 she came to me and told me she was pregnant. She was still attending high school. She had qualified for the gifted program and was eligible to start taking college classes her freshman year in high school. She was a year and a half short of graduating.
I hugged her, told her somehow we would manage, but her job, her #1 job was to finish her education. That's all I asked of her. She refused to get out of bed in the mornings-played the morning sickness card on me, and I found out years later from her that she was getting up after I would go to sleep, walk over to the baby's father's house, and play cards with him and his drunken friends. So the education went out the window.
I was blessed in that her father and stepmother agreed to drive the two hours to meet with us for a family session. We stood as a united front.
AD was no longer willing to do anything to improve her life, including the simple task of getting up and attending school. She wanted to move in with the father of the baby and play house.
So we signed the emancipation papers, and her father told her that was the end of the child support and the father of that baby could support her. She thought she was all grown up, and now she could find out just what grown up was.
There comes a point where they are far from mature emotionally, but we have done everything within our power, and we just have to quit looking at them as our 'children' and let go.
They are very 'mature' when it comes to addict manipulations. My oldest AD is now an expert in that area at 30 years old.
I hope I've made some sort of sense. :ghug :ghug