My wonderful angel sponsor used to tell me this all the time:
Don't just DO something, sit there!
I wanted to do something, ANYTHING, to make the pain go away. But, for a very long time, I thought I needed to fix or change him. It took awhile for me to grasp the fact that I was, indeed, powerless over him and his stuff and I could only change myself. It was a difficult concept. Why would I need to change?
ME? I was the one doing everything, keeping the peace, putting out the fires that were constantly popping up all over the place.
ME? I was the one that kept our family secret a SECRET. I kept the public face on, letting everyone believe that we were a very happy couple, great parents, stable home.
ME? I was the one holding it all together while he was out there twirling and spiraling out of control.
If I wasn't going to save him or change him, then who would? Because, I believed in my heart and soul, if he would just change and quit doing what he was doing, our world and our life would be wonderful once again.
After I found recovery, my own recovery in the rooms of Al Anon, I began to learn. I had to sit still with my feelings and actually FEEL them. I had to look at my life and find those things over which I was powerless (which was MOST things) and then work on the rest- my own stuff.
And you're right, once we work thru this hard, hard stuff we DO become healthier people.