guilty start
Hi, I joined this forum a while ago when I needed to express my pain for my brother who was/is a junkie and now I find myself here for my own help. I know my own story may seem small, but for me I feel great guilt and horror in the person I am right now.
I typically go out on the weekends and drink alot. I never drive, partially so I can drink myself as much as possible. I generally do not have the feeling of "needing more" as soon as the alcohol enters my body, but this past Saturday I drank myself to complete black out and am now facing my own guilt towards it. I am not going to be drinking at all -- I need to uncover all my truths towards drinking and how I handle it. My fiance is a doctor who was on-call and he asked me not to do anything that would make him worry about me and I did. I went to a house party and there was pressure and support to drink with stupid games and shots everywhere and I lost control and overdid it. I went to a bar and got mad/sad that someone insulted myself and my relationship and I left the bar and cried to my friend who got us a cab to my home where I woke up still drunk at 6am. I am hating everything about this and it makes it very easy to stop completely but part of me feels threatened to say that I am an alcoholic because I fear that that means absolutely NO DRINKING ever again. And I am not sure what kind of commitment I have to do to go on with my life with/without alcohol. I am feeling so guilty for betraying my fiance and our relationship. Am I betraying my self if I do not make the huge commitment to stop drinking completely.