23girl, it's great that you're here. It's a bit slow here on the weekends, but close your eyes and know that people are gathering around you to help you through this. My alcoholic mom died when I was 8, didn't care much for me in the last couple of years, and I've had to live most of my life without the "normal" things that a mother is supposed to offer our lives, so I really understand. I can only say that I have been able to find pieces of maternal support in other places, bit by bit, and I no longer feel like I'm alone. I know this is incredibly hard for you right now but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone -- lots of us have been through this kind of isolation caused by alcoholic' repercussions -- and this pain won't last forever. Big hugs to you from another mom-deprived child, and prayers to your mom that she finds peace in "whatever comes next" for her.
Gather those who love you around you, like a buffer against the wind. You will get through this. :ghug3