dazednconfuzed

He has said many times in the past that he would go for treatment, but never called the numbers I gave him. I thought he would be livid that I was telling his family members the truth about what he is doing, but instead he's begging me not to throw in the towel. He's even accepting that the truth needs to be out there.

I now realize that what I have always been scared about was REALLY FOLLOWING THROUGH ON MY THREAT TO LEAVE. Any time I've ever indicated that I'm going to do this, he starts threatening to make my life miserable (what a joke - it's already miserable). As long as I succumb to that fear, I am stuck.

If I were to stick to - NO _ TOO LATE -IT'S OVER - NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE 'GOING TO DO' and follow through, is when the threats start. They're not physical threats. They're not always even voiced, but more like indicated. It's just an underlying feeling that THERE WILL BE TROUBLE. In a nutshell, he won't let me go!

I had even gotten him to move out and he was seeing other women but he HAD to call me every day to keep me in the loop. I begged him to leave me alone but he said he 'had to be best friends with me'. He LOVED telling everyone he was single, but he was still telling me how much he loved me. I told him that if he was going to be single, THEN BE SINGLE, and that didn't include me, but he wouldn't acknowledge all the work I'd done, separating finances, etc. to GET US SINGLE. If we hadn't owned a house that's been hard to sell (without some major work done that we can't afford), I really would have made the final break, but we do and that financial connection has made us have to 'work together'. He was still having lots of fun playing both sides of the fence, until he had the heart attack. A bit of a wakeup call - but apparently not quite enough.

I've never been as serious before as I am now and he can sense it. I'm giving ultimatums I've never given. I'm willing to cut my losses and sell the house for nothing and move on. Now - he says he'll go into rehab and then AA. He wants me to be a part of it (for the family sessions). He says he wants to get better and knows he has to (since the heart attack). Of course - like many stories I've read here - in the past he has always said that he could 'quit any time' and that he could 'control his drinking' - none of which have ever been true in the 13 years I've known him.

After all the constant lies and infidelity, as well as constantly stirring up our lives with his drama, not to mention costing us thousands of dollars for his habit, along with verbal and emotional abuse, I don't know. I've been walking on eggshells for so long around him I've lost sense of what I SHOULD be doing instead. I think with HIS voice in my head, constantly. Where did I lose mine?

I feel he's just worried about losing his enabler and that he won't follow through on any of it, unless I maintain how serious I am about this, which takes a lot of strength and effort that I often don't have. He likes to calm me down 'in the moment' when I tell him 'I've had enough!' He offers to do anything I want during those times. Can I get you this? Can I do that for you? Do you want a massage? JUST TO SHUT ME UP FOR A BIT - and then it's back to the drunken raging and demands.

My problem is that I've been so destroyed by him that I can barely remember what love and happiness are anymore, not to mention just contentment or feeling relaxed and comfortable. I'm not sure why he deserves for me to even wait while he goes through this process to get better (if in fact he even does). I'm not sure I can so easily let go of all the crippling pain he has caused in my life. Right now I do not trust him, because he has lied about everything.

Has anyone gone through this process and ended up learning happiness again or is that just what we see in the movies? Also - have you been able to forgive and forget and let go of the past to start anew? I'd give anything to wake up in the morning feeling happy about the day - looking forward to something - anything - small or large.