Beth - I know exactly how you feel because I was there last year around this time. I made it out after 25 yrs. and so can you. I understand all the feelings of desperation, dread and fear you're having, but nothing can get better until you get the garbage out of your system. There is no moderation any more for us, no having just a few, we are poisoned with this crap, and our bodies can't keep coming back from the battle. I know a sober life seems impossible and so far out of your reach, but I know you can make it. Everyone here cares about you and is pulling for you. Please give yourself a chance to be the person you are meant to be. Love, Joanie