Toltec,
Boy, do I get that. Those fears kept me in some pretty bad places -- my biggest one was the same as your last one: "If he can't love me, who can?"
Which, if you think about it, makes no sense at all. A few years ago, I would've come to you and said, "My ABF is an alcoholic, unfaithful, irresponsible, abusive.....if HE can't love me, who can?"
What would you have said to me? This man wasn't god. He was deeply flawed, and judging my loveability by HIS actions was pretty ridiculous, but yet I did it. For seven years.
Your BF's choices, his behavior, his weaknesses........have nothing at all to do with your loveability. They're just...him. You are you, the same loving person you have always been, just as lovable to someone else as you are/were to him.
His alcoholism is not a failure on your part. Not that you should or shouldn't separate temporarily, but really, your decision about whether you want to live with active alcoholism would be simple self-preservation...you would be choosing to save your own life.
In my book, that kind of courage makes a person MORE loveable, not less.
:ghug3
Keep writing....we're listening...and sometimes it can be so helpful to just get those thoughts down on paper (or computer)