[QUOTE=itisatruth;2005533]blizzard,
*Marriage takes two; if my AH isn't willing to put the same effort into it, there isn't much I can do to change that. He chooses to give up on the marriage every time he uses.
*I don't believe my HP wants me to stay in a destructive marriage, one in which I was becoming just as sick as my AH.
*Living with an addict has caused me depression, stress, and health problems. Anyone who wants me to live with that for the rest of my life doesn't truly care about me.
*I needed to stop letting guilt make me do things that are damaging to my soul.
I appreciate all of your responses and sharing your thoughts and experiences on the situation. I went to see a priest at the urging of my step mom. I've talked to and have seen just about everyone else over the past eleven years but never sought out guidance from a priest. I was married in my home by an ordained minister (female) had to throw that in there, so I never thought that the church does not recognize the marriage (good point Laurie). As for the rules: I am pro-choice, I do not believe being gay is a choice nor a sin. I have a personal relationship with God that is not confined within the walls of any church. But, I haven't nourished that relationship as I should have. That is first on my list of taking care of myself. I don't know if I want a divorce yet and since we are separated by many miles I realize I don't have to make a decision right this minute. My AH is as I've said a non-believer. I've never pushed my beliefs down his throat. This last situation in which he OD'd, by all accounts he should be dead. I see this happen at least monthly in my line of work and to people who didn't ingest half as much opiates/benzo's as he did. His liver function tests were so bad as well as his kidney's. He SHOULD have by all scientific measures been dead or went into respiratory failure and on a vent brain dead. I spoke with the Doc, who said " I can't believe he survived this". Being that he is in active addiction we all know he thinks very differently than non-addicts so I don't believe he has really grasped the severity of what he had done and the miracle of surviving it. I believe it was divine intervention that saved him.
We've not spoken much since he's been gone and I haven't brought any of this up to him. I know I can't save him or make him believe but I do think God guides people through other people. Of course I have to feed myself before I can feed anyone else. I am nourishing my spiritual self for me. I can't go it alone. I need God in my life and I am renewing my relationship with him. In doing so I've felt my extreme anger lessen, I am now able to accept AH for who he is and not who I want him to be. I don't feel alone even though I live alone miles away from my family. Instead of isolating myself I have reached out to others. In short I am doing things for me. I am concentrating on myself for once. The no contact rule is for me. Yes, I've slipped up but I find the more practice I get the easier it gets. I want AH to know how blessed he is to be walking this earth. I want him to think about that, and cherish the life he has. My intention is not to make him believe but plant a seed in his head that just maybe there is a power greater than himself, that he can discover. That may help him with his inner demons that he struggles with. He NEVER had any spiritual guidance growing up from anyone in his family. So, in continuing to nourish my relationship with my God do I pray to him to guide AH or do I attempt to plant a seed that may grow or may not even be considered. I don't have any expectations that he will see the light or be saved etc. I have proven that I can set boundaries with him and follow through. That's why he no longer lives here. I prayed about this before I went to work last night. I asked God for some kind of sign. Many hours later I received an admission to my floor who had accidentally OD'd on his pain pills. Has chronic pain from a MVA several yrs ago in which he sustained multiple broken bones and internal injuries but survived. In completing his admission history he tells me the accident was drug/alcohol related. Stated he has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. I have to ask how long he's been sober for my assessment he says 10yrs. I asked him how he quit? He said I found God. "I survived for a reason" and now he helps others. I didn't mention my personal issues with him as that is unprofessional but I walked out of his room and thought is this my sign from God that I asked for?? :praying