Thanks again all for all the advice.
I actually just got back from dropping him off at the detox center. I came home from work last night and found him crying and on his hands and knees and telling me that he is done and wants to be clean from everything and he doesn't want to lose me and he wants my trust back and his old self back. He also admitted to being very suicidal and has done research and read that subs sometimes can do that to people and he just wants his old sober self back.
So he called the facility he went to before about 2 months ago and they had a bed available and he wants to come out clean and on nothing.
Of course, because I love him and believe that I will not be happy, like you said, lost butterfly, until I do everything I can to try, I will try ONE LAST TIME. But this is his last chance.
Upon coming home, I went through his drawers and found 3 empty baggies of heroin, which I suspected he was still doing. But if this last stint at detox and an agreement of regular meetings and getting a steady job does not prove to be the positive change, well, I will have to think about ONLY me after this. I am hopeful and seeing the tears (which is rare for him - after 8 years of being together I have only seen him cry maybe 5 times) I am giving him this last chance.
When he came home after 7 days of detox the last time, I was hopeful that I had my old bf back. I am a realist, however, and know that there were chances of relapse and instead of his DOC (oxys and pills) he switched to heroin because someone owed him money and offered to pay him back with a bundle of heroin - and it was downhill again from there.
But like I said - this is it. I value myself too much to continue to allow myself to be tortured this way. This is not what I signed up for 8 years ago when I met him. But having an addicted and alcoholic mother, I know that somewhere beneath the addiction and highs and lies, there is the man I fell in love with - and I am hopeful that i will get him back.
I'll be back to update you in about 3-5 days (which is how long he thinks he will be in there). Meanwhile, I'm going out for some friend therapy with my girls. :o)