It's not getting better
He's not getting better--my alcoholic father--in fact, he is getting worse. Because he used to be a happy drunk, and now he's miserable all the time. I used to be able to talk to him but every conversation turns into a fight either out of his misery or my anger feelings to him. He cut out his coffee in the morning to save money, but he continues to drink a 48 pack unassisted at night. Before, it was easy to say he's not that bad, but he is, and he has no intention of stopping. It was easy to lie to myself, but I'm sick and tired of lying to myself to somehow make myself believe that life isn't what it is. I lie to enough people around me, to send me to hell, just to cover him.
And my mom, I feel so bad for her, because all she's ever done is work hard, she's like an angel, and she won't leave him because my sister's getting married soon, and she doesn't want to ruin her wedding. And she only gets to break away every now and then from him for a night partially to make sure he doesn't do himself in one of these days and to keep me from babysitting. You're supposed to look up to your parents, and I look up to my mom someone who puts others first often but still manages to be solid and not all broken like I've become.
I just pray that God or whoever the higher being is, will take me out of this mess. A teacher once told me to say thank you foreverything that is thrown your way. And it's easier some days than others to do so, but no matter how hard I try I can't say thank you for this. I can't say "Thanks, God, that alocholic father, he was a real bessing in desguise!" I don't see the blessing, I'm not finding the good in it. I keep looking for a little glimmer of something, and I can't find it. I guess I'm not looking hard enough. But I don't know how much harder I can look.
All I feel around him is anger and resentment.