freya

This happened on Sunday night and everytime I think about it I feel so sad...sad and more than a little bit angry....

I was in the basement sorting laundry and my partner came down to help me.....well, really she comes down to fool around and because she doesn't like to be alone...but anyway, she says it's to help me. So, after the laundry was sorted I was going through a bunch of hangars that I had brought down from the attic when I was organizing/cleaning up there last weekend. There was one little brown plastic hangar that was just useless and I tossed it in the garbage....but she's like "I'll take that; I can use it!' (She has thousands of hangars but she also has trouble throwing anything away -- one of the reasons we don't live together -- because of serious deprivation issues from her childhood.) I say: "C, it's a piece of garbage!" She says; "But I can use it!" So, I give it to her and continue what I'm doing.

When I'm done, I walk out of the laundry room and she's in the main room with her back toward me. I see that she's standing with her back to the light, and she's playing like the hangar is a gun and she's watching her shadow. She looks like a friggin' 5 year old boy!!!! I say, laughing: "What are you doing????" She, startled, spins around and looks really confused and embarassed. Intead of saying anything, she comes over to me and starts hugging me and, like, burying her head in my shoulder. I can tell she's feeling really vulnerable and awkward, so I just like hold her and rub her back. After awhile she says kinda softly: "I was just being silly.....I can be silly around you....I have to be tough and cool for everyone else....but I can be silly around you, right?"

.....So much wounding....it just friggin' breaks my heart....that little boy part of her is the child that should have been loved and nurtured and cherished but wasn't -- wasn't because too many people were too busy thinking about themsleves and their addictions and too busy being stuck in their own woundedness....and, really, sometimes, I think I could kill them...but who???? Her mom died of her disease and her dad's life is a worse punishment for him than any death could be...and what good would it do anyways????? Just more hurt on top of the hurt that's already there.

I know there's hope and help and recovery and HP to catch us all, but right now I'm just feeling the sad feelings.....

freya