sunflower1776

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have a few more questions. First, the cost--do they expect you to pay upfront for the program (inpatient)? I have insurance, but I know the choices I have for programs and neither of them are places I would want to go. What makes up the day--what do you do all day long? I know meetings but what else? It seems I'd get bored. What about visitation?

I have to be honest that I have used the last 4 days. I can justify it of course. The first day was 2 vics and 1 t3, the next was 3 t3 (the 1st and 2nd day that's all I had--stole from my dad's cabinet), then I consciously made the decision to drive 2 hours to get my oxys. Yesterday (day 3) I took 1 t3 on my drive there, then I had a total of 30mg of oxy last night. Today I've had 45mg of oxy. I made it 18 days this time. I did 'slip up' the end of Oct as well--I used a total of 30 oxys (15mg) over a 4-5 day period. I've had I think 4 'slip ups' now since detox the beginning of Sept. I'm justifying it in the fact that I used to do 20-30 pills a day. I know this isnt right. There is still some sub in my system, so of course I'm not getting the high--that is part of the reason I just used some of my dad's vics/t3 so that I could wait the days needed to get the subs out so I could feel the oxys. Today I am able to feel them more. This is how it started the last 2 times as well--I did what I had to do to get the sub out of my system and then started using again when I started feeling the high again. The last 4 days I have been so angry at myself. I drove the 2 hours yesterday and I almost turned around and drove home but thought I wanted them. Today, I felt okay this morning--hadn't taken any, but as was habit in the past I took them once I started to have to go out and do errands. I'm irritable and angry. I have 25 pills left from what I bought. I know what to do with them--throw them away. Please don't waste your time telling me to do this-I can hear it a thousand times, but that is something I have to do on my own. I'm not even enjoying them--not because of the sub but because I'm so angry with myself. I know that I could get rid of them tonight and be fine tomorrow to start the subs again. Those of you who are questioning whether to use subs or not--I jsut want you to see that this is the perfect example of what we have all said--subs are just a tool--they do not "fix" you. I have known that all along. I am getting the therapy part that I need, but I am not attending meetings of any type. I am not out socializing. I am not doing the things I need to do. I know I could start the subs again tomorrow if I wanted to. Part of me thinks I will, the other part says no. I absolutely hate this. This is why I ask about rehab. I don't know if I would be better off just getting involved with meetings here and support groups or just go off to an inpatient. I think going inpatient may be something not needed if I were to immerse myself in groups. My problem is that I don't think of myself as the stereotypical drug addict, and I always think support groups and rehabs are going to be filled with the stereotypical drug addicts. I hate that thought! It's such a hypocritical thought! Do you know what I mean though when I say that? When I think of rehabs, I think of them being filled with people who look like they've been on meth for 15 years, not looking like me--I look healthy. These are such awful thoughts.

As some of you have said, doing the outpatient rehab has not proved successful, but it can be can't it? This is my first go-around at all of this. I've only gone through detox once. This hasn't been a life-long problem..just a few years. I haven't had any huge relapses where I've been back "out there" for months or years at a time. I just need help figuring out what to do. I'm not one who likes to speak up in public places, putting my feelings and emotions out there, but I know that if I am going to beat this, that is what I need to do. How do I get started though? Its like I'm stuck in this place--not in the using, but in the not going to meetings thoughts. I know that it is that first pill that leads to the second and so on, so I know if I keep doing what I'm doing, I will be back up to where I was within a very short period of time. NO ONE knows about the slip up/relapses I've had since detox. My dad's vic bottle only had 9 vics in it (the original script was for 10), so it is going to be very obvious if he ever wants to use it again that they are missing--there are I think 3 left (it was filled in June-he doesn't use it) and the T3 had 30 in it and now there are maybe 10. So, if my parents were to look at the bottles, they will know. They may already and just aren't saying anything-wanting to see if I come forward on my own. They are so damn supportive of me--this would kill them. They don't push me, but I think maybe that's what I need. I'm not lying about using--no one has asked--not even my therapist. We talk about urges, cravings, etc., but it is not flat out asked "are you using or have you relapsed". My sub-doc knows about the first 2 relapses since I had to do a urine test in the beginning. Do you call them relapses if it's only a week or so at a time? I guess it's all symantics on that. But now I think it's the holidays--Thanksgiving is this week! Do I really want to spend the time between now and xmas in an inpatient facility? No! But my fear is that once I start groups, I'll be going in with these preconceived notions of what they'll be like and i"ll sabotage myself--same thing that has kept me from going. I went to 1 NA meeting since detox--I liked it, but I just didn't feel like I fit in. There are not many NA meetings around here, and they are all at night. I want to go to some during the day, but my only choice is AA during the day. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, lonely, guilty, shameful. I know these are all normal emotions to have. I know what needs to be done, but I don't know how to get myself doing it!

One last thing, someone said that there are mixed feelings about inpatient rehabs because you are protected for that 28 day period. I think about that too. What do you do when you get back out into the real world?

Any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated.

I do want to be sure that what I am saying does not discourage anyone from deciding to use suboxone. This has nothing to do wtih subs. They have done what they were supposed to do--helped me with the WD and kept away the cravings--this is all me--this is me not following the other steps of recovery.

Thank you all for reading...sorry this has been so long


Edit--I got this all typed out and submitted, but I realize now that I need true help, so I'm pasting it into a new thread so more people will see it--just an FYI if you're wondering why you're reading it in 2 places.