Hi everyone, thank you for the replies. I talked to a mutual friend of ours tonight- he was baffaled at what I told him transpired last night. He dosn't understand at all why I am still with this man. I told him I don't understand either. He really brings nothing to the table anymore. The man I knew is gone- all that is left is an empty, volitle, man who stays in my home, and I do everything. He works....thats about it. Our intimacy is gone, our fun times are gone, he dosen't participate emotionally, physically, and minamly financially. This is MY home, and I have a great life. My kids are productive, healthy and happy, I have a great career, and I'm going back to college for my masters degree. I guess from the outside looking in- I wonder why I have stayed this long as well. I would have to say- that this relationship widdled away at my self esteem, and perhaps it is more about me wanting to believe he "loves me still"-
I guess I'm realizing now, that regardless if in his own way he loves me, he will always love his drugs/drinking more.
I guess I'm tired of trying to "see" that what we had was real. Perhaps it was, but it is gone due to his current lifestyle/addiction.
I just got back home, and he said "baby, what are u doing... are you comming to bed"...
and I will admitt, there was a shred of my heart that heard an ol voice comming from the other room- and I wanted to cling to it. The problem now is, I know those moments are like crumbs. If one gets a pitter patter in the heart, from one statement- that goes to show you how little I recieve in this relationship now.
I'm sick of rowing a boat all by myself. I'm tired.
Thankyou again for listening.
Cess