Why or how can you meditate on what someone else is doing or feeling? I am sorry to say but to me it seems to me like you are worshiping your A. You say you are polytheistic. I guess that means your A is one of your gods. It is obvious that he takes up a lot of space in your head.
The only thing with the Anon meeting that I can really sink my teeth in is the "keep the focus on yourself" train of thought. This is the way out of the pain.
Trying to figure out what is going on inside the head of an addict is maddening. How can there be any sense in their thought process? There is none. Drugs are their god. Seeking the dope is their religion and it appears that you trying to figure him out has become your religion.
Believe me I know where you are at it is an awful place. It hurts really bad I know. He is not worth it. Find the God that loves you and will sooth your hurt soul. You deserve so much better and I am sure your children do as well.
I am wondering if we can turn away from what your A might be feeling and start looking at what you are feeling. Are you angry or afraid?