Maybe the toughest part
Thanks for the support all. I talked to work today, and they were very supportive which was a big relief. It's a small company and I've been with them since pretty much the begining, so I felt safe enough to broach it. Still I was very nervous, and wasn't 100 percent sure how it would go... went alot better then I thought.
I came home tonight and the wife was sober. Not remorseful, just sad and very depressed. Civil though. This is where I've always gotten myself in trouble in the past. Part of me just wants to reach out and hug her and tell her everything is going to be ok. That's the protective streak I guess. Part of me tries to rationalize and think that "Well if things could just keep going on like they are tonight, that wouldn't be so bad...maybe I could do this... maybe we could make it". That's the most dangerous part for me, I think, not when the AW is drunk and raving...if she were like that ALL the time... it'd be alot easier in many ways as there would be no second guessing. You'd KNOW what you had to do. The big step wouldn't seem so drastic with that staring you in the face.
It's when they are sober and you see little hints of the person you married that things become difficult. This time I'm not going to let myself fool me out of it. I know that if she is sober for day or a week, the next episode is only a heartbeat away. That's what I have to keep telling myself. Maybe it'd be different if it was a year (not even sure if I'd let myself in for it even then)... but this, no way. This pattern has repeated too many times. This time I'm not going to waver.