I tried to admit I had a problem intellectually, but it took another year for me to admit it in my heart. I was scared of the emotional withdrawal and what it meant for my creativity, motivation/energy levels, and my ability to go out and do things in the world. I was very scared of boredom and becoming a boring person! Sometimes the way I deal with fear is to approach the situation with fascination, so I became very fascinated by the way that alcohol ****** with my sleep since I never used to have insomnia before, and by the strange thoughts I would have upon waking up, still slightly intoxicated...I was afraid of quitting, because I was socially anxious and wanted people to know the "real me."
And I was embarrassed to admit that I was an alcoholic to the man that I was attracted to, even though he had been in recovery for two years!