Ready to stop
I've been drinking 6-12 drinks almost daily for the past 3 years. Before that was the typical college binge drinking. I use alcohol to combat loneliness and drown out all the day's stress. I cannot control it anymore.
There are several alcoholics in my extended family, most of them recovering. In my generation alone, two others have been hospitalized for alcohol abuse. I should've known better.
I've had a lot of "last straw" moments over the years. Sometimes I'd manage to quit drinking for a few weeks or months, but always came back.
I've got a long-term girlfriend that I love and live with and want to marry. She's tried to help me, but I've thrown that away. I got drunk last night, as usual, and came to work today probably still drunk. She e-mailed me to tell me there was vomit in my bed. I didn't believe her. I don't remember anything and didn't even notice this morning. I spent the rest of the day trying not to be sick in front of my boss.
I can rationalize a million reasons to buy alcohol every day. Sometimes it's simply because I'm pumping gas or buying groceries. Sometimes it's because I want to erase a genuinely bad day. Ironically, most bad days start with a hangover.
As I strip away the excuses, I realize I drink because I don't know how to cope will stress or spend my free time healthily. I've always been introverted. Drinking is another way for me to internalize and escape problems. I've forgotten how to enjoy myself without hurting myself. I've replaced my old friends and interests with getting drunk, and I don't know how to be me again.
I get upset thinking about the time (in my 20's) and health I've squandered. But at the same time, anger and regret cannot be my motivation. I would turn to AA, but I'm shy and not religious so it's hard for me to accept AA's terms. That's how I ended up seeking out this site.
Anyway, I guess this makes day 1. It already feels good to get all this off my chest.