veryrestless722

I am a complete failure in every aspect of my life. I thought i was always there for everybody in my family but all im hearing now is how bad i am, the two people (my mother and AH) i love more than anything in this world are stripping away who i am bit by bit, im not good enough for either one of them, i cant live up to their expectations of what i should be or what i should do

im having my baby tomorrow, i go in for my c-section early in the morning, it should be the happiest time of my life right? this is the absolutely worst time of my life, i cant even enjoy having my baby because of the selfishness of my family

i asked my dad last night if he was gonna be in the operating room with me, he said no he couldnt do it, he couldnt stand to see me have surgery, well my mom has told me from the begining she couldnt be there and watch it, so im like ok im not going by myself, well my dad was the only one home but i remembered my mom saying she couldnt do it either so i went to my husbands apartment and asked him to be in the room with me, it was the first excitement ive seen from him about the baby, but i coudlnt stay and talk to him because his "friend" was coming over, he says they are just friends now and shes helping him get back to alabama, hes told me over and over they arent sleeping together anymore so i said ok, ill come by tomorrow and stay the night then we'll go to the hospital together from your apartment, he hugged and kissed me and said he loved me and i left, i was on the top of the world, i know the horrible things hes done but i so badly wanted it to be his face i was looking into when i had the surgery

i get home and my mom wont even speak to me, she finally says you knew i would have been there, i said you and daddy both told me you couldnt be there, whats the big deal, i said maybe my husband seeing his baby born will click in his head and he will get straight, who knows, i said hes still going back to alabama, i still cant be with him drinking as much as he does now, i said you get the baby all the time but this is his only chance and maybe it will make him see what he has to lose if he continues down this path, i was just dumbfounded that she was acting like this, shes been coming down on me all week, just a few days before she told me she wasnt going to feel guilty anymore , i said guilty about what? she said how you turned out, how do you say that to your child, i said what am i doing, i know im not perfect, im not the only person caught in the cycle with a alcoholic, me and her have been fighting all week, i never knew how selfish she was, i said over and over how this is my pregnancy and this is about me and what im about to go through, im the one getting sliced open, so eventually we ended up screaming at each other
so i write a letter to my husband in case his "friend" is still there, i make up my mind if shes still there and i think they are sleeping together then ill tell him he cant be there, well i go by there after midnight and her car is still there and all the lights are off in his apartment, so i pretty much got the picture of what he was doing, so i left the letter, which basically said i wasnt going to be second to anyone else, if he couldnt put me and my child first then i was done, that he coudlnt be in the hospital, i was sorry i even asked him and i left, i was only there like 25seconds, well i have a voicemail from him this morning, hes totally p*ssed, he said i dont appreciate being watched, you knew she was there, dont hurt me like this, come by tonight, i love you, i just deleted it, he didnt even try to deny sleeping with her, and i cant be second anymore, my child deserves better

i get home last night from leaving the letter and i figure now my mom would let up cause he wouldnt be at the hospital , she was even more pissed cause i had left in the middle of the night, i said im 25 i dont need permission, i took my own car, what is the big deal, hes not going to be there so why are you still pissed, so then shes like well you better tell him he can cause im not going to be there, i totally snap, i told her she was so f*cking selfish, this has nothing to do with anyone but me, why is everyone making it about themselves, i begged her to quit trying to control me, but she turns everything around on me and now says she didnt say the things to me that i remember, im like do you have mental problems it was five seconds ago you said that to me, but she denies it, so now shes whining to my sister about how mean im being to her and how i wont sit and talk to her anymore all i do is yell and scream

and all i do is yell and scream because ive asked her over and over to leave me alone, i dont need the stress, i said your gonna cause me to go into labour, i finally had enough, im so tired of her and my husband telling me how bad i am, if it wasnt for my baby i would just give up, how can these two people not see what they are doing to me, if my mom helps me it always comes with a price, i have to do things her way or no way, hes not going to be there yet shes still p*ssed at me, i dont have the money to get the rest of the stuff i need for the hospital, i dont have gas in my car to get there, ive told her she coudlnt be at the hospital , her or my husband both of them can stay away from me, i dont need that stress

and despite the lies and cheating and everything my husband has done, i cant help but hate myself, he will never forgive me for this, now he really does have a reason to hate me, and blame me, and theres nothing i can do, it was absolutely the cruelest thing in the world to tell him he could be there and then take it away, and i know he hasnt shown any interest in the baby or me, that only because his life is falling apart does he talk about us being together , i cant do anything about what hes done to me, he has to live with that, but now i have to live with this and the guilt is driving me insane, ill never be able to face him again, i dont expect him to ever forgive me, its kinda ironic that this is what finally split us up for good cause i could never go back, i can never look into his eyes again, he may be an alcoholic and put me through more h*ll than anybody in the world, he lied last night and slept with that girl, but i never truly thought i did anything so horrible to him that he could hate me, until now, and ill never speak with him again, im so embarrassed

no matter what i do they are both mad at me, i cant make etiher one of them happy, both have turned the situation around on me and now im the bad guy, im never good enough for anyone, now im gonna end up in that delievery room by myself, im sure my mom in the end would be there, but now i have so much resentment for her that i dont want her in there, i truly want my husband there but its not going to happen, i cant get the family i so badly want no matter what, and i cant let him be around my son when he refuses to give up a woman that hes not even really with, i was so stupid for believing him, yet i still feel guilty, i wish i would have never asked him, and i cant wrap my mind around my mom, how she can be so selfish and controlling, i never seen that, she acts like this baby is hers or something, yet she denies all this, im the one causing all this, i cant be perfect for either of them

this is what im bringing my baby into, i love him more than anything, but i really shoudnt have had him, its my own fault for bringing him into a life like this, with a father like he has

i am so completely unhappy and i cant get out of the surgery tomorrow so i dont know what to do, ive never been this low before in my life