Hey mle-sober,
Very interesting post and strikes a chord with my situation. In terms of rebuilding the trust, I have come to the conclusion that it's only time that can do that job. Others have also helped me see that, and when you think about it there is no other primary way. That said, I've found that just listening to the pain of your partner also helps. In my case she needs to be heard and validated, often many times over (sometimes admittedly I do the listening with gritted teeth).
However, there is the other side of the coin. My partner has control issues. Serious ones. And I think she should be doing something about them. BUT, she says that me suggesting this is my way of responsibility shifting and is controlling on my part. Problem is, she has a point.
So here is the conclusion I came to. Regardless of anything else, I don't have the right to tell her to deal with her control issues anymore than she has the right to tell me to deal with my alcohol problem. If I do, I become controlling also. I, and she, can only set our boundaries. Perhaps in the end my boundary will be that enough is enough and I'll leave if things don't change. Perhaps she will think she;s taken too many lies and do the same. In the meantime I can only keep telling her that I don't like her controlling behaviour - and try and be specific. Whether she decides to address it is then up to her. I hope she will, but I'm not going to tell her to.
She knows that I'm vulnerable at the moment and seems to be taking her chance to be the 'OK one' vs me, the 'not OK' one. I know this is wrong (in reality we both have different issues) but I'm not going to get caight up in an argument about it at the moment. My plan is to sort out ME, maintain MY boundaries as best I can, and then when I am back on my feet a bit more, explore more fully what is OK for my life and what is not.
Good luck and remember that the most important things to YOU are YOUR inner peace and health.