Hey mle,
I think you're doing all the right things, especially by taking and practicing the 12 Steps in AA. More than anything else that has freed me from the majority of the wreckage of my past, I've gained back much of the trust I lost.
But I constantly have to remind myself that recovery is a process, a life-long one, and sometimes it takes longer than I want it to. I continue to try to gain the trust of my ex back, but that damage might be too deep. It doesn't mean that I'll give up trying though, I just try to have an awareness of the doors that God opens for me when it's time to attempt an amends.
So if I can offer any experience.......Acceptance and no expectations. I accept my part in the damage I've done, and I don't expect anyone to forgive me or understand me if they're not ready and/or willing.
Easier said than done sometimes, but as with most things in recovery, it's "progress, not perfection".